Hospital Daze: Valentine's Day 2006

I....have been sitting on this couch, in this apartment --- since Friday. You would think I would have cabin fever, and perhaps I do. Cat-sitting is the least difficult job, it's figuring out what to do with your time that's insane. It just may be the laziest weekend of my entire life so far. I have done nothing but feed the cats and watch movies. My goal was to watch movies that everyone has been pushing me to see that I just haven't had the discipline to. So as of Friday I have seen:

And I've gotta say--they were all very good. The only one that bored me a bit was the first Lord of the Rings. But I am happy to say that the second one kicks fucking ass. Now my movie list is up to 951! With that being said, I am more than excited to get out of this apartment and DO things again. It was a very relaxing and fantastic weekend of clearing my head, and now I can go out and start February off well.

February has been a hard month for me emotionally. This part of my life has been talked about and everyone knows it happened but I've only ever written it down in sorrowful anecdotes in private journals. It's the biggest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life so far and I think about it everyday. So I am hoping that writing it out....ALL of it...will aid in my goal to continue in piecing together my mental health. Here it goes.

In February 2006 I was into my second year of high school. I was not at all a fan of high school but made my way through it nonetheless. In the end of January I started missing school because of a cold I had, I thought it was strepp so I went to see someone on island--unfortunately some kind of misunderstanding happened between my parents and I was brought to the wrong doctor. So I never saw anyone and just took it as a shitty cold. I ended up missing about two weeks of school and didn't seem to be getting any healthier. Then within the span of a night I had a fever of over 104 that refused to break, my left side hurt wicked bad every time I attempted to take a breath, I was sweating so much that I had to change my shirt every 20 minutes because it was so drenched. When it got to the point of trying to sleep in my bed, on the floor, on the couch, on the floor, in a chair, on the floor and beginning to hallucinate that I decided to wake up my mother to bring me to the hospital. At first she didn't believe that I needed to go until I told her my fever still hadn't broken from earlier in the night, so we got in the car and headed to the hospital. It was early in the morning and when we got to the hospital my legs started to give out on me. The feeling was the worst thing I had ever felt up until that point. We reached the front doors and I asked my mom to get me a wheelchair because I couldn't hold my own weight up anymore. She was very stern and told me, pretty much, that I was being a baby and that I could make it to the doctors office. Well...she was very very wrong. I ended up collapsing in the entrance of the hospital, and after that finally got a wheelchair. I remember having a large Nalgene water bottle with me and as much as I tried to drink the water that was in it I couldn't because nothing tasted good. The only thing that I had eaten in three days was peanut butter crackers without the peanut butter on them, everything tasted absolutely rancid [even water]. I was sitting outside of the doctor's office for what seemed like a million years when a nurse (and mother of a friend of mine from grade school) walked by and recognized me. She took one look at me, turned to my mother and said "she's whiter than a ghost-she needs to be in the ER right now" and wheeled my half unconscious self down to the ER. The next thing I know I'm on a long metal hospital table getting my clothes cut off of me and my rings and bracelets pulled off my fingers and arms. I felt like I was in a movie, I couldn't do anything but shiver and exist in misery; having no idea what was going on or where I was. I remember my mother trying to get a hold of my dad because she had no idea what was going on either. Then-the worst part of this entire experience...well...one of the worst parts. I had two nurses on each arm trying to find a vein, which none of them could do. My arms are bare of veins when I'm healthy and hydrated, and much harder to find when dehydrated. The only way I am able to describe what needle pricks in your arms when you're dehydrated feels like is razor blades sawing through your skin over and over and over again. It was a nightmare, I was naked on this operating table screaming at the top of my lungs with the only energy I had left in me. One of the nurses, Chris, began to cry and put the needle down and actually said "I can't do this to her anymore". That's when they (whoever "they" is) decided to medi-vac me out on a helicopter to Boston. The nurses wrapped me in a metal blanket and wheeled me on the helicopter. The entire ride to Boston I kept trying to look out the window but they wouldn't let me sit up (for obvious reasons). When we landed on the roof of Tufts this large, attractive, black man in a camouflage-army outfit and ray-bans wheeled me off the helicopter. I looked up at him while he was bringing me to the elevator and said "thanks bro!" and I remember him trying not to smile. I remember being wheeled down the hall of the children's hospital by two (once again: attractive) Asian doctors. They brought me in a room--asked me to count back from 10 and wouldn't you know it! I made it all the way to 7! I was knocked out for about a week.

FAST FORWARD

I wake up on valentine's day with a tube in my throat and nose, an IV in my left wrist, left forearm, right forearm, and two in my chest directly connected to my heart. I woke up to my sister Seniel (who I hadn't seen in months) her hands on mine and she is saying something to me, but I can't hear anything. Everyone in the room was kind of blurry but I could see their expressions were surprised to see me awake. I tried to tell my sister that she was beautiful, my mind was devoid of the thought that I couldn't speak because of the tubes in my throat. She understood what I was trying to say and smiled. I saw pictures that Sen had colored from a valentine's day coloring book taped to the wall by the TV. Other then that and this honking noise that sounded every time I moved, I don't remember much else about that day. The rest of my experience in the ICU was in and out, I couldn't communicate anything besides writing things down or signing them. I still have the pages of notes, everything is spelled wrong and basically isn't legible because of the amount of drugs I was on. Ah! I've written all of this without saying what the illness was: double pneumonia. I had pneumonia fluid in both of my lungs, I only had 1/4 of one lung working when I was admitted into the hospital. I lost about 30 pounds while I was sick. 

Hank The Tank

After an ample amount of time in the ICU I was moved up to the 7th floor of the hospital, it was like a ghost town up there, I was basically the only patient. Seniel was in a really bad place in her life at the time and decided to stay with me in the hospital, they even set up a cot in my room for her and everything. I remember a nurse came in one time and she was in the hospital bed and I was in the cot, the nurse had to ask which one of us was the patient. We had a lot of fun, surprisingly, we were able to act like kids and make each other laugh. I wasn't even thinking about being sick because I was so happy that she was there spending all of this time with me. It meant so much that she left her life in California to be with me. I truly believe that I woke up because of her. I hadn't moved after being put out until she showed up and I heard her voice.

There were so many people visiting me that were in and out of my room that I couldn't keep track of all of them. Granted I was exhausted 24 hours a day. One day I had a very well-known doctor come into my room and ask me if it was alright for his CLASS of med students to evaluate me individually. There must have been something like 20 students standing in the hallway waiting for me to say yes, so of course (even though I was barely conscious) I said yes. So one by one these students came in and took my vital signs, by the third student I was so exhausted and nauseated from being asked to "take a deep breath for me...and again....and again....again....aaaand one more time please" that I had to ask the doctor if they could just take my blood pressure or something instead of listening to my lungs. I simply could not take deep breaths yet without passing out. I also had a charity woman come in one time with this really old, ugly dog--she asked me if I would take a picture with it for their wall of....sickness..or something I have no idea. Needless to say I had a lot of visitors but even more mail! I was receiving gifts and letters from people I wasn't even friends with, people that I hadn't seen in years. But before I was coherent enough to read mail, I was being hand bathed by a nurse, fed through a feeding tube, using a catheter, and hooked up to twelve machines all pumping me with medicine. I was convinced that I wasn't going to make it and the doctor's that were treating me made it clear that I was not expected to get any better. Alas! I beat the odds and somehow made a turn around. My parents stayed with me in the hospital in shifts, my brother almost skipped his class trip to Germany to stay with me--luckily my mom convinced him to go.

I survived the illness after about a month of hell. Honestly the worst part of my being sick was the aftermath. When I got home I had to go to the on island hospital (which if you live here you know how awful the hospital is here) so I was terrified. I had to get more of the pneumonia fluid manually drained from my left lung. The doctor ended up using the wrong numbing agent and I felt the entire procedure. This is what I had done:

Once I was allowed to go home I was told to not leave the house, not let anyone come over to see me and to not go back to school for a while. I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life after that, and my new life of anxiety and life choices began. But that is a story for another day. For now I can gladly see that I am proud to be in a good place in my life, I am mentally stable (at least I like to think so) and I am truly grateful to be alive every day, because I really have stared death in the face and refused the chance to give up. So with that--do your best to remember that every single day, even the bad days, are worth it for your growth as a human being. We only have this life to prove whatever it is we WANT to prove to ourselves or anyone else. i am so so so absolutely happy that I survived and am able to say that I made it through a year-long depression deeper than the lowest ocean shelf. 

Remember where you stand. 

You've Got A Friend

It's crazy to think HOW much one event can change your entire way of living. Of course, you never expect anything really outstanding to happen things just end up happening! {fantastic logic huh?}

I've met a few people recently that I find very fascinating.  Do you ever meet someone you had preconceived notions about and once you get to know them a bit they completely change? Well I recently met this kid, 16 years old, and my close friends had been asking me for some time if I had met him before. They continuously insisted I meet this kid because his personality is awesome and we would get along famously. Now, my good good friend Anele is "teen-sitting" while the parents are away and she calls me up asking if I would "please hang out" with her. She shows up at my house in the family's 'I'm clearly a rich person' vehicle and she has three 16 year old boys with her. I open the door to the passenger seat and simply say to this kid that I have never met before "move it or lose it shrimpo" and he hurled himself into the backseat with the other two. It was interesting because the second I got in the car I had the full attention of the three teens in the back, attention that I did not know what to do with. So me being me, I spark up some thoroughly inappropriate conversation with the boys about women and bad decisions...something along those lines (I figure hey! I have their full attention-why would I NOT take the opportunity to have a little fun with them). It turns out that these boys are somewhat on my level of sick-brain-matter-material so we all get along famously, Anele unfortunately has no idea how to handle a car full of 16-year-old-prepubescent-brains (myself included in that category of course). She finally says something after her laughing for 10 minutes straight, trying to convince me to stop putting filthy thoughts in their minds (yea right!) and the thing that she says is "Leandra, this is the kid we have been trying to get you to meet! Jacob!" and I had a revelation. This boy that I have been trading tremendously offensive wise-cracks with is AMAZING, The Gang was so right in believing that I would get along with him. So we make our way back up-island to the house Anele is watching, and the rest of the night is just continuous laughter and ridiculous notions, I felt like I was in high school again (which was interesting considering high school and I did not get along whatsoever). It was a really good time, I had a long discussion with Jacob about his choices in life and things of that sort--he is truly fascinating.

So why am I writing all of this about a 16 year old kid that I have recently met? Because for the past few days he has been peeling away his layers to me, he has told me certain things about his history and his family that I haven't known how to respond. So we have been talking and I've sort of been filter for all of his negative thought. The things that he has gone through and lasted through....I can't even think to be possible. He is a perfect gentlemen and really loves and respects the close friends that he has acquired. He is someone to look up to as a survivor, and though this is true he is still only 16 and possesses (partly) the mentality of a young boy. It's good that he still has this though because becoming an adult too fast can be life ruining. He is just really amazing and I have so much respect for him.

So one night The Gang (my 20-somethings friends) and I are at my friend Kevin's house. Kev's younger brother is Jacobs closest friend. We are all just hanging out, being ridiculous, and someone mentions that Jacob is related to several people that I personally have an interesting history with. This....made things a bit more clear and I was beginning to understand that I know his family, and adore several people in his family. It just goes to show you how small this island really is.

So I guess I'm saying that this kid deserves all the happiness in the world. He is so genuine and needs to be reminded of that, so I remind him daily. I am so very lucky to know this person. 

I am constantly saying "I hate everyone", "I hate white people" (don't worry I'm transparently white), "I hate America" and I say these things mostly as a witty response to something pertaining to McDevil's and fat America or something political that means nothing to me. {AH! Think happy thoughts!} But I cannot really say that I "hate everyone" because obviously I don't. I love many people very much and everyone that I choose to have in my life is in my life BECAUSE they make me laugh, smile, cry...they make me feel something. One of my oldest friends, Allison is one of THE only people that I honestly can say should not be friends with me because I was mean to her when we were kids. I can't get off of it either--every time we talk we always end up having deep conversations about what we mean to one another and I always bring up how much of a bitch I was to her. She keeps telling me to forget it. She is so intelligent and I find that we both strive for qualities the other one has. I wish I had her smarts and genuine exuberance of love and nurturing, she wants my spontaneous will for life and having social fun. She means so much to me and recently she and I had somewhat of a breakthrough, she figured me out completely. In Lifetime movies when someone says "I don't know what I would do without  you", I understand that feeling! And yes my life completely resembles a lifetime movie pretty much any time Allison and I get together. I consider her the Oogway to my Po (Kung Fu Panda anyone?).

 ---------------------------------------------

Of course there are my older friends, they make me look forward to living and enjoying being who I am. I love spending time with them as much as possible. Wendy Mae has become very important to me, I don't really know how we became friends but I am in love with her 2 boys-they are pretty much the only kids younger than 16 that I love hanging out with. She is such an incredible mother, she teaches them things and they teach her things..always with respect which is rare to find in a family these days. Speaking of family, Wendy's best friend and my close close friend Gillian is the one who inspired me to start writing a blog; think about things in a different sense. She is SO smart and witty I strive to have her quickness. She is constantly teaching me things about life that otherwise I would find out the wrong way or not ever know at all! I feel so lucky every time I hang out with these women because honestly...how many 30-somethings WANT to hang out with a 20 year old chick in the prime of making awkward mistakes and decisions?  I'm blessed (I don't know by who) to have them in my life. Truly very lucky, not to mention Gillian's mother OH MY GOD that woman is so amazing I can't stand it. Every time she refers to me as one of her daughters I really feel loved and wanted. I have had some of the funnest times of my life we these people and I can only hope that times will become more and more fun as time goes on. I am really looking forward to 2011 being a good year because I KNOW it will be--it already has been amazing.

I am the luckiest person on Earth to have the friends that I do--I hope they know how much they mean to me.

I came across this list I made and thought: what better place to post it!

Things I Would Never Admit--But Need You To Know
1. I am a jealous human being.

2. I do care what certain people think--who doesn't? But sometimes I feel like people think I'm putting up some kind of front just to be perceived as "cool" or whatever. Honestly, that whole 90's "cool" thing doesn't really exist. Not for me anyway. If you really think about it there is no such thing as being cool--this is because there are SO MANY different types of people that consider different things to be acceptable to their genre. It's all crap.---the reason I wrote this list is not for attention---for anyone that gives a shit I think it might help to explain the way I am and why I am this way.

3. I'm cynical. I realize that..

4. I tried so hard for so long to be funny..and now I consider myself a semi-humorous person. If I can make people laugh then I'm doin alright.

5. I feel alone all the time because I put myself in that position.

6. I feel older than all of my friends even though I pull myself down to not act that way.

7. College has introduced me to the awful world of superficial trash talking for no reason--and I hate it.

8. I treat my mother the way I shouldn't.

9. I've considered death.

10. I don't have a substance abuse problem.

11. I don't believe in marriage.

12. No I didn't sleep with that person.

13. I probably don't like you.

14. I'm not "trying to be different". News flash--nobody has to TRY because everyone is different.

15. I am a bitch..I'm thoroughly aware thank you.

16. There's one person that I no longer have any respect for because they are a coward--but I'm a coward not to tell them.

17. I don't believe in the term "best friends" but I consider Jesse and Seniel my closest soulmates.

18. Pencils make me sick.

19. I have never once romanticized or exaggerated anything about February of 2006.

20. I have never and will never do drugs.

21. I'm tired of lying.

22. I can't be honest with myself.

23. I refuse to form relationships because I know how they will end.

24. If I were depressed I would never know or admit it.

25. I have trouble admitting I'm wrong.

26. I feel like I need to make a large change in this world in order to matter in life.

27. I feel like it won't happen for me.

28. I'm selfish.

29. I want so badly what other people have.

30. I want to be like my brother in so many ways.

31. I want to be like my sister in every other way.

32. I want.

33. I've thought I was fat since I was 6.

34. I hardly listen to reason.

35. I'm not as smart as some people say/ think I am.

36. I don't believe in god.

37. I think religion is ridiculous and awful and turns people against eachother.

38. I think politics is a religion.

39. I put you down to feel important.

40. I ignore you because I think you aren't worth my time.

41. If I were sexually assaulted I don't think it would affect me.

42. I'm afraid to fail for my family’s sake.

43. I can't get close to anybody.

44. I hate being asked "are you ok?"--it drives me FUCKING CRAZY

45. I hate when people think it's funny to ask me that after I tell them I hate it.

46. I don't care if you lie to me.

47. I want happiness so badly.

48. I want to make everyone else happy before myself or else I can't achieve happiness.

49. I know what love and loss feels like from the same girl.

50. Sex has only meant anything to me maybe once.

51. I use my own body against myself.

52. Yes--I do like my tattoos. No they aren't for show and yes 'why so serious' has plenty of meaning linked with the film and the comics and the reason they were created.

53. I don't know why it's hard for me to be kind to my own mother.

54. My friends’ parents have considered me a bad influence.
55. I'm confident only when I have to be.

56. I'm terrible at explaining myself.

57. Sometimes I question if I love myself.

58. I have too many feelings.

59. I feel as if I can’t equate to my siblings.

60. I work my ass off in school and still get mediocre grades.

61. I’m afraid to tell my dad things about me because I think he will get mad and not accept them.

62. I go to the movies by myself because it's one of the only things that keeps me sane at school.

63. I want to be more like the way my mother was when I was 8.

64. I get down on myself about anything and everything.

65. I have a soul I promise.
 

Liebe

Don’t tell me you’ll listen

I already know

There’s a certain expression

A change in your tone

You tell me I’m beautiful

Whenever I cry

And that it’s real

Nothing to hide

And here’s why

I pushed you away put you didn’t stray far

You stood for me when you stood by your heart

You’ve got the golden ticket

And say you can bring a friend

Hopefully me hopefully you

Its not roses or candy but I hope this will do

A heart spilled on a page only for you

All of its true

Don’t tell me you’ll call me

Its not what we need

But to see you in person

And set our souls free

Ill tell you a story

That you’ve never heard

About a girl that had asked me

If she’d changed for the worst

And I told her

She’s been my spine

The window that I closed

She was doing fine but didn’t even know

How she felt that day in every single way

Was an amazing feeling

And now she’s healing

Its not roses or candy but I hope this will do

A heart spilled on a page only for you

All of its true

Hello, I Love You

So one of my best friends, Ali and I have been watching You've Got Mail simultaneously at our separate homes. We're also chatting online, talking about the film and all the commercials in between. I decided it was time to write about my gains and losses of love. Oh boy. Well, I've had quite the interesting time line of lovey -dovey crap. It started with Ben, a beautiful, intelligent, sweet, boy who moved back to Chicago soon after we decided to be together. My freshman year in High School was devoted solely to him--I missed him for the entire year. Then, my sophomore year in High School I completely fell for a girl--that's a story for another day. The next substantial relationship I had after that was with a boy named Aaron. I realize now that I treated him like shit after we broke up--he tried so hard to be my friend and I just couldn't find it within myself to care enough. I made amends with him recently and things are fine. But THEN one day this past summer I was walking to my sister's apartment and almost got hit by this huge guy in a huge truck. I turned back to look at whoever it was that was driving the truck and he smiled and said "I wasn't gonna hit ya" and for some reason I found that statement endearing. I smiled and walked away, not thinking much of it-other than the situation was kinda hilarious. After that I thought about it and realized that I recognized the man in the truck, but I couldn't think of how I knew him-so naturally...I search facebook for answers!

SUCCESS! I found who I was looking for and realized that I recognized him from a regular hangout spot in town. Summer 2009 I started hanging out with an older crowd (and was SO happy to do so). Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my 20-23 year old friends. There's just something about the 28+ crowd that I really find comfort in. So I established this "Town Family" as I like to call them--this group consists of people I spent most of my time with while working at a retail shop on Main Street. When I say 28+....I mean it--this group gets all the way up to 71, no lie. But anyway, I remember the guy in the truck getting a tattoo at the shop next to where I was working, I was outside the shop having a coffee and we talked briefly. 

I found and added him on Facebook and soon after got a message from him. That's where it all began--we started talking via phone and one thing led to another and then we were together! Okay, things were not nearly that simple--nothing ever is. 

I fought with myself for a while about how comfortable I was with being with someone twice my age, yes he is twice my age. I'm not at all good with relationships or commitment simply because I panic and being to over-think everything there is to over-think. After going back and forth with my emotions I realized that I was just nervous to be in a relationship because I had never REALLY been in one before, and I was intimidated by everything he came along with. There were plenty of fantastic things between us while we were together-but the bad most definitely outweighed the good and I refused to see it for a while. We were together for about 2 months, which isn't long at all. I learned a lot about myself, what I need-what I want and all of those necessary things. It ended between us because he was still in love with his ex, which I understood and accepted after some hysterical crying and pathetic self-loathing. Of course it didn't help that I'm 20...and he's not, and I was going back to college and blah blah blah.

I guess I just can't figure out why I have such a problem letting people get close to me. It's not so much that I can't get close to people it's just that I really don't allow THEM to get to know me on any level deeper than my sarcastic exterior. It's something I've really been trying to work on and fix but I can't figure it out--I like to keep majority of the things in my head to myself, but I'm beginning to realize that it's not exactly healthy or fulfilling to do that. My sister has been telling me that I should start giving people a chance that want a chance from me (if that makes any sense). There is this one boy that I met over the summer and went on a date with, he was very sweet and we got along insanely well. He lives in Florida and for some reason my sister keeps pushing me to start something with him ... while he is in Florida (*insert laugh track here*). It's sweet that she wants good things for me, she wants me to get close to people. 

Until I figure out how to improve my relation skills...I'd love some advice.

Anele

Why is it that if you (and I mean me) don't drink coffee within 3 hours of waking up you get a horrendous headache that doesn't go away until you sleep it off? Not only that---it took me all day to figure out why I had a headache. Clearly I'm the type that needs coffee to coexist with human beings on the planet.

Besides that---the thing that has been on my mind today has been painting. Seniel and I have been trying to figure out the best way to get the salon painted (doing it ourselves or not). I've been looking up what primers are good, what kind of sandpaper to use on the walls and everything-unfortunately there are a million and one things that need to be worried about in order to even begin THINKING about painting.

So besides THAT---what has been on my mind is one of my closest friends, Anele. She left for South America today on the 9:30am boat. She will be down there backpacking around until June 15th. I've never been good with good-byes and I haven't had to say bye to anyone for a long time. What's interesting about it is that I feel her and I have become extremely close from the summer time up until now. It's always amazing when you realize how important a single person is in your life. When she told me that she was going back to South America for SUCH a long amount of time I kind of freaked. Silently of course--I didn't start hysterically crying or anything, just kind of fell silent and upset. I realized that my initial reaction to her leaving was extremely selfish, but I couldn't take it back. I then realized that the feeling I was feeling was simultaneous with pride. At that moment I felt so proud to know her and have her as a friend--sounds quite repetitive of past blog topics right? I know. I just tend to love people in the same linguistic manner.
She is doing all of these amazing things because she wants to, she is saying 'fuck you' to the general plan of college and existing out in the real world. I really think that is amazing for someone to do by themselves and it suits her very well. She has grown so much and I think that's why we get along so well.

Adolescent Upgrade

I cannot begin to tell you how often I am mocked or teased about my .... fascination (?) with older men. It doesn't bother me because often times the things being said to me are mildly hilarious. I'm watching Avatar right now as I'm lying in bed, and Stephen Lang made me think of Jeremy Irons which made me think of all the male actors that I find attractive---they're all older! Like salt and pepper MAN older, or in Gene Kelly's case...dead. Let's see who we've got here shall we?

Stephen Lang

Jeremy Irons

Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Gene Kelly

Paul Newman

 Now you can't tell me these men AREN'T tasty. Maybe it's just me--who knows. My sleeping pattern is a bit off--we'll leave it at that. 

Substance

Make something out of nothing.

I have no idea how to go about discussing my emotions. Why is it that writing things down helps us? I think it's because our minds tend to run like the heart of a mouse--infinitely fast. The only problem with that analogy is that slowing the heart rate of a mouse means death to the mouse...oops. Slowing the mind is one of the most important things for people like me, people that simply cannot do anything if it is not organized. I think this is why I became so passionate about films. Movies are set (mostly) by a general formula, beginning-middle-something compromising the middle-climax-end. That seems pretty organized to me, so I can pay my full attention to whatever happenings are going on onscreen. Once I realized this formula...I started exploring the non-normative Indie and Avant-Garde films that don't follow this general outline. And that my friends is where the love for film was born--realizing that every film is artistic expression that is built to make you think. I find that even certain comedies are created around a serious topic in order to allow the viewer to shed the comedic layers and see the message throughout. Maybe this jibberish isn't making much sense but I can't help but spit it out and pretend someone will understand. I can try to explain the feeling I get when I watch a film for the first, second, third time... it's pure...like swimming naked in the ocean...it's organic. I am overwhelmed with emotion...sometimes the kind of emotion The Notebook draws:

 

Sometimes every other emotion there is. And yes we took that picture right after watching The Notebook for the first time JUST to document how pathetic our lives were at that very moment. Any-who, I get so discouraged when having a conversation with someone about one thing or another and they don't even consider the good side of it. I've noticed lately that I am guilty of this action and it needs to stop. Recently I was talking to my sister about certain films, she asked about M. Night Shyamalan's newest film Devil, I am not at all a fan of his work besides the few that are incredible. She asked my opinion about the film and if it was worth watching, I just blurted out (without any explanation or thought) that it sucked. Technically I have no right to say that considering it's an acquired style of film-making that he is known for and I am not in M. Night's court whatsoever.  She replied by saying  "you always say 'it sucks'" and that made me a little upset in that I had to reorder my thoughts and have a mini realization about thinking before I speak. 

On a side note: Have you ever thought about if other people think that you are aware of what they say to you? Translation: when you say something obscene and/or offensive and don't back it up--the person you say it to > do they know that you are aware that you sounded like an ass? I think about that all the time because I am SO aware of the things that I say, and honestly sometimes I can be a super bitch when I'm being too honest at the wrong moment. 

Back to it. After that little chat with my sister I harped on the subject in my own mind for the rest of the day. I've found that since I have been home my mind has almost rebooted completely and disposed of all the unnecessary negative thoughts and left me with a clean slate.

For anyone that reads this I am SO bursting with inspiration and happiness and love that I want to give you a hug! That sounds crazy but I feel so completely rejuvenated and excited to be alive again, not sitting in a desk that makes me feel like the BFG faking my emotions behind tired eyes. I am going to due my best to stay positive and remind myself daily that balance is important in every way. 

The reason I wrote this tonight (technically this morning) was because I just finished watching Ron Howard's Apollo 13. The film is truly compelling and I recommend it to anyone and everyone, it's amazing. The fact that it is about true events really hits home at the end when the men return to Earth. The things people can accomplish through communication is remarkable. One thing that I advise to fellow movie lovers is that when watching a film, watch it more than once in your lifetime. Also, even if you absolutely cannot stand the film and never want to watch it ever again--try to find something about it that you liked or could relate to. I believe it's very important to get as much out of something that you can, especially something you have ill-feelings toward or qualms about. One film that I think is important for the cynical people walking around on the planet is American Beauty, it's definitely in my top 5 favorites because it changed my life. I've viewed it countless times and every time find something new that adds to it's honesty about life.  

Watch it--think about it--let me know what you think. 

Academia

I take comfort in the fact that I am my own person. 

                Sometimes I lose sight of this fact and drift into uncharted waters in my own brain--I swear there are caverns in there that I am not supposed to discover yet. Sometimes I slip up and get ahead of myself, trying to be someone that I am not ready to be.  Part of this comes from growing up too quickly. Now when I say "too quickly" what I really mean is jumping into an existence that I was not nearly ready for, but convinced myself I was anyway. Recently I have been doing my best to recount my childhood-I have a terrible memory and I think this is simply because I never think about my past as a child. In order to fix this problem I have been talking to close friends about our friendships as kids, memories they have that I was a part of and things like that. It's definitely been working, tonight I had one of these discussions and one led to about 5 others. But anyways, as a kid i never thought about going to college or getting married or any of that normative shit. I stayed in the moment and didn't focus on the future, which I believe is the only way to truly live. My mom taught me  young to "stay in the day" and "keep it simple" (two of the things she lives by). I have taken these teachings of hers and used them in my own ways to compose my life choices. College, I knew, would be a bad idea...well not necessarily a BAD idea but I never planned on going. I am happy that I tried it but I am also happy that I found out that my instinct was completely 100% correct--which hardly ever happens.

How the whole college thing began was as follows:

              I was a senior in high school (2008) and was absolutely miserable which spawned from several things--so I decided to graduate early since I had enough credits to do so.

After my last day which I believe was January 18th, I don't remember a damn thing. I was out of school for 6 months not doing ANYTHING productive, just being depressed and hanging around the house I guess. I was still a part of my high school choral group, which is probably what kept me alive. I remember my mother sitting me down in the living room and bringing up the subject of college. She knew I would be completely apprehensive once she mentioned the word 'college' so she took a very honest approach and just let me have it. She became very emotional and almost helpless, weeping and begging me to at least TRY college. She never made it college and didn't graduate from high school so I think her youngest daughter refusing to go for NO reason other than being lazy and selfish was something hard for her to watch (I don't at all blame her). So being who I am I made a deal with her (because I had NEVER seen my mother cry so I knew this was a big thing for her) the deal was that I would apply to one school, if I was accepted I would attend. I never though in a million years that any college would accept me considering I knowingly fucked up my SAT's and MCAS exams. For the SAT's one of the written essay questions was about why college in America is a good thing...considering the fact that I pretty much hate this country for it's "system" and didn't want to goto college at the time, I wrote about conspiracy theories and the importance of swear words in the English vocabulary in order to secure my position as a non-worthy student for college. This plan backfired because the essay was well written (damnit!).

        So I was accepted to the University of Massachusetts Amherst and attended the following fall.

I made it through 2 and a half years, pretending that the constant negative judgment that I was receiving everyday walking to class from fellow student WASN'T bothering me. Pretending that I enjoyed going to class (some classes I didn't mind). Pretending that the constant drug use and alcoholism I was surrounded by didn't bother me. Pretending that I belonged. Pretending that liked my roommates. Pretending that I was healthy. Pretending that I was a bad student. Pretending that I was all of things just so I could make it through and be another college student like majority of my friends at home. I'm not going to lie, I did learn a few things about myself while I was at school, but the things that I learned about myself were things that could only be worked on and improved upon at home. I knew by the end of my sophomore year that I shouldn't come back for my Junior year, but went anyway because I couldn't stand the idea of heartbreak my parents would feel with my decision.

            The beginning of my junior year didn't start out well AT ALL. I was reemed out by someone that knows absolutely nothing about me, he told me continuously that I was fake, a liar, treated people like shit--all of these terrible things that are not true. I basically bitched to my friends about it (they are actually friends with him--I am not). They backed me up and we all just forgot about it. I won't get into all of the details but basically he went ape shit on me and we got into a semi-fist fight that didn't end well. THAT was the beginning of my third year in college. From that day on I couldn't think straight or even remotely try to be myself. I felt like I was taking care of EVERYTHING in our apartment, I cleaned everything all the time--I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't help but feel I was wasting all of this money that I don't have just so i can be unhappy in a place that doesn't need me anyways. I don't need to be surrounded by children that are finding themselves, I feel much older than I actually am and tend to categorize myself with older people simply because I feel much more in my element with them. College sucks for a person like me, it really does. This may sound like selfish bitching but the way I look at it, right now there is nothing wrong with that. I'm sick of everyone thinking I give a shit about their opinion on this subject. I KNOW that college can be a good experience. I KNOW that you think I should have stayed. I KNOW that you think I was "so close to being done". But listen,  a year and a half is a lifetime when you are in the wrong major and are absolutely miserable.

                While all of this was going on I felt as if I was slowly losing my friends. I still feel as if I am losing them to things like new people, a new semester, drugs, funner people....I'm just very insecure about where I stand as a friend to a lot of people. This of course is a topic for another day.

                  The bottom line is that leaving college, so far, has been one of the most amazing choices I have ever made in my entire life. I am so proud of myself for the first time in a long time. In my short time home I have already improved so many elements of my life for the better. I have been spending a lot of time with my closest friend on the planet, my sister, she means EVERYTHING to me. Someone asked me what I want to do with my life when I grow up and I answered honestly, "if my sister becomes a famous hair stylist like I know she will be I want to be her personal assistant. I want to help make her life the most amazing and fulfilling." Making her happy makes me the happiest I have ever been. When she is proud of me I am proud of myself. I can't help but know what love is because of her. Spending time with her aids  in my growth, that's just fact.

I have joined a gym, been making money, and overall just feel better about things. My attitude is extremely positive, the complete opposite of what it was in 2008 when I graduated high school. Interestingly enough my mood is actually better than my moms! Talk about irony.

I can't wait for my future. I am going to make it amazing.

Understanding Myself

Boys.

Now that one word may seem like THE most typical word to begin a woman's rant but I would not consider the subject worthy of ranting- if that makes any sense. It's a new year and for the first time I feel as if I am beginning to understand myself and prior decisions I have made in my life. The salon, to my surprise, was not very busy today which gave my sister and I a chance to talk. We started out by talking about how ridiculous people's fears can be--which reverted  back to us realizing how ridiculous our own fears are (hers: throwing up anxiety/ mine: puppets). From there we went on to discuss other things in our lives that bother us and that we seem to have no control over. My situation is quite personal so I won't be going into detail about it, but let's just say that talking about it....REALLY talking about it for the first time made me feel so much better. I find that I have all of these thoughts and emotions but can't figure out how to express them correctly simply because I don't tell anyone about them. I swear, sometimes I involuntarily consider myself to be superhuman ; as if everything I feel can be contained and I will have no issues not letting it out! This my friends....is not the case. I feel like I have no idea how to compile all of my Everything into their proper places...like right now.

ANYWAY

This past summer I had a semi-feature film/ lifetime channel movie experience. Here's the story:

 

                I live on an island that is 20-something miles wide, this being said: driving up-island from down island is considered to be a lengthy trip, one that is made for specific occasions (going to the beach, seafood dinner, watch the sunset etc). So I was spending the day with my mother and we were putting up posters all over the island promoting the production of The Putnam County Spelling Bee that my brother was the following weekend. We drove up-island to put a poster up in the market that our cousins run, we figured they would allow it considering we are family ( and they did!). So as my mom waits in the car, I walk into the little store and as to see Kevin, the owner (my cousin) so he comes down and we chat for a bit. While having a discussion about a large dock fire that had taken place in the area days before, I see a guy walk in with a slip of paper, he's kinda dirty, bandana on his head, boots, and a gorgeous smile. He's the water delivery guy for the store! He chimes in on the conversation and I go outside to put the poster up on the cork board. As this guy walks out to his truck to start putting the cases of water on the porch, I tried to get a good look at him because he looked extremely familiar. Now, I have a rather large tattoo on my back of a tree made out of my favorite quotations (from film, literature, music etc), the shirt I was wearing was cut across the back, so my tattoo was completely visible. As I was tacking the poster up I heard him comment on how epic he thought my tattoo was and how I reminded him of someone he knew. I thought that was hilarious considering I had been thinking the same thing moments before. He extended his hand out to me and said his name was Matt, I shook his hand, smiled, and told him my name--then it clicked! I remembered who he was! I had met him years ago when I was hanging out with theses girls that I would never go anywhere near now. All I remembered about him was his smile and that he had a guitar (wonderful way to remember someone huh? ha!). So anyway, I go on to tell him that I think I know who he is and we have a short chat-all the while my mother is still sitting in the car staring at me. He suggests we hang out sometime because he thinks I'm interesting, I give him my number-take his and we part ways. 

I must say--it sounds extremely simple and not at all a big deal, but to me at the time nobody had ever been so genuinely interested in seeing me again the way he had suggested. I could tell that he was a really sweet guy just from the way he was looking at me and talking to me. Once I got in the car my mom immediately harped on the subject and told me how adorable she thought he was. I apologized for taking a while, I thought she would have gotten impatient with me but she was actually happy that I stopped to talk to the boy because she got a vibe from him that he was a sweet kid. I'm telling you--that was SO unlike my mother, she really surprised me. So this kid and I end up hanging out (which I mostly NEVER do because I'm too scared or people annoy me) but I gave it a shot. He's wicked sweet and I can be myself around him which is actually difficult for me to do with certain people. 

This rambling means nothing really, but I had to write something down and this kid has been one of the only things on my mind lately. For some reason I thoroughly enjoy just thinking about him, probably because he's one of the most interesting people that I have ever met. He's smart in all the weirdest subjects, we believe the same things and he doesn't get offended at all of the heinous things I tend to say throughout any and every conversation. So how does this have ANYTHING to do with the talk my sister and I had today? WELL she got me thinking about how I never give anyone a real chance, including myself. She has always wanted me to allow myself to get close with people on a mental level and I have always had such a hard time with doing just that. So I've decided to give this one a chance and see if I'm not a lost cause when it comes to human contact. That would be a nice realization to have. 

Now that I'm realizing that none of that made any sense---I bid anyone who read this adieu.