Academia

I take comfort in the fact that I am my own person. 

                Sometimes I lose sight of this fact and drift into uncharted waters in my own brain--I swear there are caverns in there that I am not supposed to discover yet. Sometimes I slip up and get ahead of myself, trying to be someone that I am not ready to be.  Part of this comes from growing up too quickly. Now when I say "too quickly" what I really mean is jumping into an existence that I was not nearly ready for, but convinced myself I was anyway. Recently I have been doing my best to recount my childhood-I have a terrible memory and I think this is simply because I never think about my past as a child. In order to fix this problem I have been talking to close friends about our friendships as kids, memories they have that I was a part of and things like that. It's definitely been working, tonight I had one of these discussions and one led to about 5 others. But anyways, as a kid i never thought about going to college or getting married or any of that normative shit. I stayed in the moment and didn't focus on the future, which I believe is the only way to truly live. My mom taught me  young to "stay in the day" and "keep it simple" (two of the things she lives by). I have taken these teachings of hers and used them in my own ways to compose my life choices. College, I knew, would be a bad idea...well not necessarily a BAD idea but I never planned on going. I am happy that I tried it but I am also happy that I found out that my instinct was completely 100% correct--which hardly ever happens.

How the whole college thing began was as follows:

              I was a senior in high school (2008) and was absolutely miserable which spawned from several things--so I decided to graduate early since I had enough credits to do so.

After my last day which I believe was January 18th, I don't remember a damn thing. I was out of school for 6 months not doing ANYTHING productive, just being depressed and hanging around the house I guess. I was still a part of my high school choral group, which is probably what kept me alive. I remember my mother sitting me down in the living room and bringing up the subject of college. She knew I would be completely apprehensive once she mentioned the word 'college' so she took a very honest approach and just let me have it. She became very emotional and almost helpless, weeping and begging me to at least TRY college. She never made it college and didn't graduate from high school so I think her youngest daughter refusing to go for NO reason other than being lazy and selfish was something hard for her to watch (I don't at all blame her). So being who I am I made a deal with her (because I had NEVER seen my mother cry so I knew this was a big thing for her) the deal was that I would apply to one school, if I was accepted I would attend. I never though in a million years that any college would accept me considering I knowingly fucked up my SAT's and MCAS exams. For the SAT's one of the written essay questions was about why college in America is a good thing...considering the fact that I pretty much hate this country for it's "system" and didn't want to goto college at the time, I wrote about conspiracy theories and the importance of swear words in the English vocabulary in order to secure my position as a non-worthy student for college. This plan backfired because the essay was well written (damnit!).

        So I was accepted to the University of Massachusetts Amherst and attended the following fall.

I made it through 2 and a half years, pretending that the constant negative judgment that I was receiving everyday walking to class from fellow student WASN'T bothering me. Pretending that I enjoyed going to class (some classes I didn't mind). Pretending that the constant drug use and alcoholism I was surrounded by didn't bother me. Pretending that I belonged. Pretending that liked my roommates. Pretending that I was healthy. Pretending that I was a bad student. Pretending that I was all of things just so I could make it through and be another college student like majority of my friends at home. I'm not going to lie, I did learn a few things about myself while I was at school, but the things that I learned about myself were things that could only be worked on and improved upon at home. I knew by the end of my sophomore year that I shouldn't come back for my Junior year, but went anyway because I couldn't stand the idea of heartbreak my parents would feel with my decision.

            The beginning of my junior year didn't start out well AT ALL. I was reemed out by someone that knows absolutely nothing about me, he told me continuously that I was fake, a liar, treated people like shit--all of these terrible things that are not true. I basically bitched to my friends about it (they are actually friends with him--I am not). They backed me up and we all just forgot about it. I won't get into all of the details but basically he went ape shit on me and we got into a semi-fist fight that didn't end well. THAT was the beginning of my third year in college. From that day on I couldn't think straight or even remotely try to be myself. I felt like I was taking care of EVERYTHING in our apartment, I cleaned everything all the time--I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't help but feel I was wasting all of this money that I don't have just so i can be unhappy in a place that doesn't need me anyways. I don't need to be surrounded by children that are finding themselves, I feel much older than I actually am and tend to categorize myself with older people simply because I feel much more in my element with them. College sucks for a person like me, it really does. This may sound like selfish bitching but the way I look at it, right now there is nothing wrong with that. I'm sick of everyone thinking I give a shit about their opinion on this subject. I KNOW that college can be a good experience. I KNOW that you think I should have stayed. I KNOW that you think I was "so close to being done". But listen,  a year and a half is a lifetime when you are in the wrong major and are absolutely miserable.

                While all of this was going on I felt as if I was slowly losing my friends. I still feel as if I am losing them to things like new people, a new semester, drugs, funner people....I'm just very insecure about where I stand as a friend to a lot of people. This of course is a topic for another day.

                  The bottom line is that leaving college, so far, has been one of the most amazing choices I have ever made in my entire life. I am so proud of myself for the first time in a long time. In my short time home I have already improved so many elements of my life for the better. I have been spending a lot of time with my closest friend on the planet, my sister, she means EVERYTHING to me. Someone asked me what I want to do with my life when I grow up and I answered honestly, "if my sister becomes a famous hair stylist like I know she will be I want to be her personal assistant. I want to help make her life the most amazing and fulfilling." Making her happy makes me the happiest I have ever been. When she is proud of me I am proud of myself. I can't help but know what love is because of her. Spending time with her aids  in my growth, that's just fact.

I have joined a gym, been making money, and overall just feel better about things. My attitude is extremely positive, the complete opposite of what it was in 2008 when I graduated high school. Interestingly enough my mood is actually better than my moms! Talk about irony.

I can't wait for my future. I am going to make it amazing.