Hello, I Love You

So one of my best friends, Ali and I have been watching You've Got Mail simultaneously at our separate homes. We're also chatting online, talking about the film and all the commercials in between. I decided it was time to write about my gains and losses of love. Oh boy. Well, I've had quite the interesting time line of lovey -dovey crap. It started with Ben, a beautiful, intelligent, sweet, boy who moved back to Chicago soon after we decided to be together. My freshman year in High School was devoted solely to him--I missed him for the entire year. Then, my sophomore year in High School I completely fell for a girl--that's a story for another day. The next substantial relationship I had after that was with a boy named Aaron. I realize now that I treated him like shit after we broke up--he tried so hard to be my friend and I just couldn't find it within myself to care enough. I made amends with him recently and things are fine. But THEN one day this past summer I was walking to my sister's apartment and almost got hit by this huge guy in a huge truck. I turned back to look at whoever it was that was driving the truck and he smiled and said "I wasn't gonna hit ya" and for some reason I found that statement endearing. I smiled and walked away, not thinking much of it-other than the situation was kinda hilarious. After that I thought about it and realized that I recognized the man in the truck, but I couldn't think of how I knew him-so naturally...I search facebook for answers!

SUCCESS! I found who I was looking for and realized that I recognized him from a regular hangout spot in town. Summer 2009 I started hanging out with an older crowd (and was SO happy to do so). Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my 20-23 year old friends. There's just something about the 28+ crowd that I really find comfort in. So I established this "Town Family" as I like to call them--this group consists of people I spent most of my time with while working at a retail shop on Main Street. When I say 28+....I mean it--this group gets all the way up to 71, no lie. But anyway, I remember the guy in the truck getting a tattoo at the shop next to where I was working, I was outside the shop having a coffee and we talked briefly. 

I found and added him on Facebook and soon after got a message from him. That's where it all began--we started talking via phone and one thing led to another and then we were together! Okay, things were not nearly that simple--nothing ever is. 

I fought with myself for a while about how comfortable I was with being with someone twice my age, yes he is twice my age. I'm not at all good with relationships or commitment simply because I panic and being to over-think everything there is to over-think. After going back and forth with my emotions I realized that I was just nervous to be in a relationship because I had never REALLY been in one before, and I was intimidated by everything he came along with. There were plenty of fantastic things between us while we were together-but the bad most definitely outweighed the good and I refused to see it for a while. We were together for about 2 months, which isn't long at all. I learned a lot about myself, what I need-what I want and all of those necessary things. It ended between us because he was still in love with his ex, which I understood and accepted after some hysterical crying and pathetic self-loathing. Of course it didn't help that I'm 20...and he's not, and I was going back to college and blah blah blah.

I guess I just can't figure out why I have such a problem letting people get close to me. It's not so much that I can't get close to people it's just that I really don't allow THEM to get to know me on any level deeper than my sarcastic exterior. It's something I've really been trying to work on and fix but I can't figure it out--I like to keep majority of the things in my head to myself, but I'm beginning to realize that it's not exactly healthy or fulfilling to do that. My sister has been telling me that I should start giving people a chance that want a chance from me (if that makes any sense). There is this one boy that I met over the summer and went on a date with, he was very sweet and we got along insanely well. He lives in Florida and for some reason my sister keeps pushing me to start something with him ... while he is in Florida (*insert laugh track here*). It's sweet that she wants good things for me, she wants me to get close to people. 

Until I figure out how to improve my relation skills...I'd love some advice.