It's true, what they say...

I really never thought my life would be like this. Not anytime soon anyway. I didn't know there was anyone on this island that could be my person. Someone that could and would be there for me no matter what. All the cheesy hallmark things you can possibly think of that would be said in a Valentine's Day card...those things I finally understand. Most of my teenage/adult life I have had a very specific list of what the person I fall in love with to be like. Over the years this list has become more of a daydream than anything. Sometimes I'd think of things or meet a new friend and write down a quality of theirs I really liked. Most of the things on this list are pretty standard by any one's means but here ya go...

-good work ethic
-honest
-genuinely caring
-hilarious
-my family HAS to love them
-my friends have to like them
-not constantly negative (like me)
-good attitude
-sees the good in themselves
-maybe a little shy


there's more to it but you get the general idea. I don't want an asshole is basically what I'm going for. Other important things that I never even thought about until my person came along was a list of it's own. I have a lot of deep anxieties about a lot of very specific things, I'm controlling and picky...I need things done a certain way..the list goes on and on. He has helped me realize all of these things and that it's ok for me to RELAX sometimes. to not care so intensely about things that don't need attention right away or too urgently.

There's a million things I could say about this person and I most likely will in the future. He's making me see things in a new way and that is something I have always wanted. I do my best to give him all of the love and support he deserves. I have never in my life been this happy and I know it's because of how I feel when I'm with him. My family adores him, my friends are obsessed...it's a perfect fit. I am grateful everyday to have life and all of things that come with it...and now he is one of those things.

I am done looking. He finally found me. And I am so in love.

Thinking. Trying.

Sometimes I take a step back and look at all the choices I have made in my adult life ("adult life"). There are plenty of things holding me back from feeling like an adult, I suppose that's a natural feeling considering I'm only 22. In certain areas of my life I feel older than my age but in other areas I am more than aware of my naive decisions and mistakes. It's hard to keep going after certain betrayals and things have happened...it's definitely a struggle sometimes. I feel like I am still fighting with myself constantly for not asking for help from friends when I need it. There are times when I can get out of my own way and call up my closest and talk things over but it takes a lot to get me to that point. I feel as though when people say "I am here for you" they don't always mean it. It's mostly just a generic thing people say to cover their ground and attempt to make you feel better in that moment. I don't know if it's that I just don't trust anyone with my super duper secrets or if I just don't trust people in general. Having more faith in my friends is another thing that has been difficult, although I'm not completely sure why. Maybe it's because we are all changing and moving in different directions or maybe it's because I'm staying the same. I'm constantly running myself around in circles asking the same question but never going outside to find the answers. I literally am my own worst enemy, always have been and most likely always will be. I never want sympathy or pity...all I want is to learn from my fucking mistakes. For some reason it is the hardest thing in the world for me to learn. I guess the main reason I don't open up to people is because the advice I always get is so mainstream, lame, plastic, expected and obvious that it almost offends me. How hard is it to try a little are to be a bit more genuine than telling someone that's having a hard time that they should see a therapist...um....fuck off? That is the worst version of "trying to help". The reason I get so upset about that is because the people that I'm friends (not all of them) should be listening when I tell them important things about myself, right? For example: when I say that I have been to therapists and that it is NOT FOR ME. I supposed that isn't such a big deal but for some reason it really strikes my last nerve.

Maybe I'm rambling now but it is what it is.
I just want to be alright, stress free and happy.

Time.

Something I am clearly not grasping is how quickly things can change. Several days ago I was losing my mind over not having a job and not having a future plan. I'm not big on plans but right now some kind of menu for my life seems appropriate, maybe it's just because all of my friends are gone and I need to echo what they're doing (according to everyone on this island that's my parents age). But within the time span of one day my brother came through and hooked me up with a landscaping gig. It changed my entire demeanor. I'm super happy that I get to be outside and that I know what I'm doing for once. It's a great feeling and I can only hope that this job holds through and things stay good for as long as long can be.

My body aches and I'm way out of the game but it's nice to be back in after 6 years or so. I love hard work and hard work outside is such a bonus. So as a celebration of whatever feeling this is, I am going out for a single well-deserved beer with Ali. And even though I have spent majority of my day thinking about someone whom I miss dearly...things seem alright. He makes me happy even just thinking about him.

Wow I'm a nerd.

Awesome.

Trying.

I want to fucking kill someone. Every emotion I just got the nerve to write about was deleted. FUCK. So how about I just make a list of all the things that currently suck in my life.

1. I'm dead broke.
2. I am officially unemployed.
3. There is nobody left on this island for the season.
4. It's getting dark way too early.
5. My happy thought moved across the country.

I'm really not one to complain but sometimes I just feel it's necessary to venting. I've been in a funk lately because I've been trying like to hell to find work and there's just nothing here. And I've had the conversation with the handful of people that are left on this stupid little island that I tend to hate so much from November until just before Christmas. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying like hell but it's just difficult right now. And the next person to tell me that I should go back to school or tell me something I've heard a million times already...will not be hearing from me for a long time. Guh I don't know what to do. I feel like I have all of these ideas about how I could be spending my time that's healthy and productive...But at the same time I'm fuckin lost. Maybe making a list of the positive will help.

1. I'm alive.
2. I'm healthy.
3. I have a place to live.
4. I have a family.
5. I have health insurance.
6. I live in a  beautiful place.
7. I have a happy thought, and he is beautiful.

The holidays make things a bit happier for a while. I think things will turn around for me eventually, until then I'm trying to find a way to make them turn around.

Feelers.

When you stop looking it will find you.

The amount of times I have had people say this to me is astonishing...the amount of times I've believed them...basically never. I am almost too content and happy to know what to write but I figure it's good to write something out...just for good measure.

Happiness kinda fuckin rocks.

Energy.

So I unraveled my secret with my brother and he gave me the best of advice. He told me that he believes everything is related to the energy we produce and give off. Certain people will react to your energy without knowing it. He said that he thinks whatever needs to happen will happen and whether it's good or bad it is a lesson to be learned. We need to constantly be put through things that we enjoy as well as things we hate in order to grow as people and learn what we need in life.

I guess what I need to realize is that timing is always bad and believing that things happen for a reason is what will keep me going. I have been trying my best to stay positive with every aspect of my life right now and for the most part I think I'm doing well. I am looking forward to the fall but there is one thing that I'm not looking forward to and this one thing is my future lesson...I can just tell. I'm supposed to let things unfold as they will and then see what will come of it. Forcing any emotions to happen that aren't real will do nothing but hurt me in the end. I just want so badly to know the thought process...I can't be too specific. Basically I wish I knew what someone was thinking. I hope the things I have been told are true.

I'm hoping I deserve the thing I want.

August.

Nothin ruins my day like multiple people telling me how exhausted I look. Yea...I am super tired but I'd rather you let me pretend that I'm getting away with looking exhausted while trying not to. August people are the worst on this island--none of them know their way around which normally is fine, but sometimes when they refuse to actually listen to what I am saying to them I have the urge to just start telling them how oblivious and ignorant they are. 10 bucks says the majority of them wouldn't even notice my insults.

Last night was super awkward for me. I went and saw a band that I befriended the last time they were on island, we hung out with them after the show and I was just overcome with pure exhaustion. I have no idea what it was but I needed to be in bed at like 9:30pm..instead I went OUT at 9:30pm and ended up in bed at 3:45am. That is what I like to call a long evening. Not to mention my day was extremely long and I felt like I was going to pass out the entire day. But enough with the complaining...I have these little issues and then I have the huge issues that I do not know what to do with!

1. Who am I taking to my sisters wedding? I have several people that seem convinced that I've asked them and that they are going with me. There's only one person I would like to take and I have no idea how to verbalize to the others that it's not them.

2. Was I right when I didn't believe in going to therapy for myself? I feel like talking to someone that knows nothing about me is a good thing...but at the same time I'm admitting all of these things to her and to myself that I really don't want to be thinking about. I have successfully trained myself to live in denial with no regrets for anything. That is completely unhealthy and will most definitely catch up with me....but you know what...if I want to carry on happy and content with these things in the very deepest depths of my brain then I have every right to do that. I can live the way I please. But instead of actually believing that..I continue with my therapy in hopes that everyone telling me how much it works for them it will work for me.

3. I feel like a whale. It's a really beautiful feeling.

4. This summer has been the ODDEST summer of my life. I'm having fun, it's nice to be 21 but I have no idea where to go from here. I have made some decisions this summer that I told myself I would never do. Shit happens. I've accepted that fact. I'm not doing drugs, I'm not whoring myself, I'm not torturing anyone....I think I'm doing alright. I'm allowed to make "young mistakes". I won't be able to for much longer so why not.

5. I am SO happy to not be going back to school. When people ask me "how's school" and I reply with "I wouldn't know..I left" they always respond in 1 of 2 ways: 1.) they hit me and say "what?! why?!" 2.) "ah, well it's not for everyone".
                          Ok people! I really don't give a shit about your opinion. Just because everyone in your universe has told you that school is the only way to get anywhere in love doesn't mean that I live in the same universe so you should probably take my advice when I say 'FUCK OFF'. Thank you very much.

.....I am clearly not having a good day. Many of the clients that have walked through the door today have been fabulously rude. I find myself thanking the pleasent clients for being so humbled and sweet and asking them to please come back just so I can have some good energy around. Is that horrible?

I need lunch.