Time.

Something I am clearly not grasping is how quickly things can change. Several days ago I was losing my mind over not having a job and not having a future plan. I'm not big on plans but right now some kind of menu for my life seems appropriate, maybe it's just because all of my friends are gone and I need to echo what they're doing (according to everyone on this island that's my parents age). But within the time span of one day my brother came through and hooked me up with a landscaping gig. It changed my entire demeanor. I'm super happy that I get to be outside and that I know what I'm doing for once. It's a great feeling and I can only hope that this job holds through and things stay good for as long as long can be.

My body aches and I'm way out of the game but it's nice to be back in after 6 years or so. I love hard work and hard work outside is such a bonus. So as a celebration of whatever feeling this is, I am going out for a single well-deserved beer with Ali. And even though I have spent majority of my day thinking about someone whom I miss dearly...things seem alright. He makes me happy even just thinking about him.

Wow I'm a nerd.

Awesome.

Trying.

I want to fucking kill someone. Every emotion I just got the nerve to write about was deleted. FUCK. So how about I just make a list of all the things that currently suck in my life.

1. I'm dead broke.
2. I am officially unemployed.
3. There is nobody left on this island for the season.
4. It's getting dark way too early.
5. My happy thought moved across the country.

I'm really not one to complain but sometimes I just feel it's necessary to venting. I've been in a funk lately because I've been trying like to hell to find work and there's just nothing here. And I've had the conversation with the handful of people that are left on this stupid little island that I tend to hate so much from November until just before Christmas. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying like hell but it's just difficult right now. And the next person to tell me that I should go back to school or tell me something I've heard a million times already...will not be hearing from me for a long time. Guh I don't know what to do. I feel like I have all of these ideas about how I could be spending my time that's healthy and productive...But at the same time I'm fuckin lost. Maybe making a list of the positive will help.

1. I'm alive.
2. I'm healthy.
3. I have a place to live.
4. I have a family.
5. I have health insurance.
6. I live in a  beautiful place.
7. I have a happy thought, and he is beautiful.

The holidays make things a bit happier for a while. I think things will turn around for me eventually, until then I'm trying to find a way to make them turn around.