No Idea.

I've realized a pattern.

Why is it that every time something in someone ELSE'S life happens, I take it upon myself to become completely affected by it? I feel horrible right now, absolutely miserable in all parts of my mind and body. It's completely inescapable. The fact that my computer is slow at catching up with what I'm typing is damn near life ruining. The fact that I'm in such a rage and don't know why is crippling my spirit and I have no way out of the feeling. I went to work today completely half-dead, not realizing the misery that awaited me. Working with my sister, I figured since I hadn't seen her in 3 days that it would be good and we would get a chance to catch up a bit. Instead it was a normal day at work, busy and consistent and scheduled and routine and blah and blah and blah. My body has been aching since my return from a trip to Amherst, MA. I went to visit my brother at college (my former college) and after the first night I stayed there I realized how much I never wanted to see the place ever again in my entire life. I honestly and truly HATE the University of Massachusetts Amherst. HATE the people and the buildings and the drunken sloppy whores that walk around in booty shorts and uggs in 13 degree weather. I just loath the place entirely.

So beyond visiting my old school and wanting to burn it down, my return home was interesting. I had a long conversation with a friend of mine on the boat ride home and we talked about our goals in life and the little things we would like to overcome. The conversation left me feeling even more confused about what I'm doing with my life and when that feeling occurred I felt like dropping myself off a bridge with cement blocks tied to my ankles. I will just come out and say the specific emotion leading my current misery: under-appreciated. I feel as though the extensive list of things I do for other people goes without recognition. Even if they have told me they appreciate my help...it doesn't translate or just isn't enough. Again, this is selfish of me but I can't help but want a little bit more than what I'm getting in return. Most of the things that I do are selfless and I want to help the person out simply because it makes me feel good to do so, and I feel useful to them. But lately the things that I have been helping people with have been REALLY INSANELY IMPORTANT things. There's a certain person in my life that I am constantly moving oceans for and I see that she appreciates me and she tells me she couldn't do it without me. So I ask you this....why isn't that enough? Why can't I just take that and know that she's happy that I helped out. Maybe I'm feeling this feeling because many and most of the times that I really need someone...nobody is there. I have needed this certain person on several occasions and something happens and they can't show up or something happens and they forget...it's a never ending cycle of me not getting what I need from them I guess. It pains me to talk about this person in such a way but I need to get it out of my head at least a little. My entire life lately has been devoted to this one person and I have done absolutely nothing for myself, I have successfully placed myself on the back-burner and forgotten that I was there. My mind becomes enveloped in dark clouds and pumping vessels of anger and hurt and disgust. All these things happen at my initial response to something that has happened in someone ELSE'S life. Example: this past weekend, when I was in Amherst, I drank a lot of beer and was having a good time with a friend of mine. We were just dancing and taking pictures all night, just the two of us. Naturally I drunk texted someone just for the fun of it (what other reason is there) and I was told that this person was no longer single. My heart and head and tummy (I use the word tummy because I absolutely hate the word 'stomach' ew.) dropped and I felt so confused and empty for 2 minutes time. It happens every time that I think I really like someone (in that way) that when I find out they're with someone..I take it out on myself as if it had something to do with me...the kicker being: their life has nothing to do with mine at all in any way. Sometimes I fantasize what my life would be like if I actually knew how to exist on the planet with another person....and it seems so nice in my dreams but when it becomes a reality I end up breaking someones heart or become blind in seeing that I'm someones rebound. I feel as if I am 35 years old and have wasted my life with silly aspirations and things that I was too afraid to follow through with doing. But this of course is not true, I am 20 years old and have yet to live my life.

Here is a list of my biggest fears of all time:

• hospitals/ doctors lying to me/ being diagnosed
• being alone for my entire life
• not learning how to live well with others
• who I become when in a state of depression
• puppets/ marionettes/ ventriloquist dummies/ dolls
• becoming the bad parts of my mother and father
• china

Most of these things have really gotten to me and I have just brushed them aside whenever they take an effect on my mood. Lately I've been in what my brother likes to call "the transition period" when spring comes and the summer season hasn't come yet so nobody is on the island and there is absolutely nothing to do. Summer is so soon and I worry that even that won't help my happiness emerge. I am terrified that these feelings of jealousy and misery with stay with me throughout the summer season. This is an unrealistic thing to be afraid of and I realize that. I continue to worry. Soon I will be on my own, moving out into a place where I will live by myself and I want it so badly. At the same time though I think I might become lonelier than I have ever been. I suppose it would be no different than the type of loneliness I am currently feeling when my dad is out of the house. I live with him and nobody else. He recently got a girlfriend and literally spends every night over at her house so I am left here by myself. I loved being alone in this house for a while...but then the reality of my single-status began creeping its way through the floor boards and into my head. Now when I am alone in this house I find ANY excuse to not think about myself. This is where my addiction to film comes in handy. Mostly I take hot showers, listen to depressing music and watch movies that make me feel even worse about my life. The farther I go into the unhealthy self-loathing the more I feel like a selfish cunt with no remorse or understanding for the real pain that others go through daily, the people that have things much worse off. In comparison to most other people on the planet, I have absolutely no right to complain about anything. Unfortunately I put this thought out of my head in order to continue on feeling like shit and pretending like it's not selfish and cruel.

Here's a list of things that make me feel a little bit better:

• singing
• writing
• watching The Iron Giant, American Beauty
• listening to Tenacious D
• playing my guitar
• fantasizing about being in a rock band
• riding my bike
• taking photographs
• cleaning

I suppose my main feeling is jealousy, next to feeling worthless (which I am not). Last week I watched a film that touched me deeply. The film is called Falling Angels and this film made me feel something so thorough and intense I couldn't sit still. I took a walk down to my dock and had a smoke, as I usually do at night. Mid way through my cigarette I began to really take in my surroundings. It was twilight hour, the sky was a solid light grey color and the water I was looking out on was completely still. There was one boat to the right of me anchored about 30 yards out. There was a light mist over the water and my cat was sitting astutely next to me looking out on the exact same site. I broke down feeling as if I was in a movie, trying so desperately to keep myself together. I realized that I just needed to break down and let these feelings of terror wash over me for awhile. I called my brother and he tried so hard to make me feel better.

The days went by and this mental breakdown of mine was left at the end of my dock. Alone. By itself. Just like I always seem to find myself being. Whenever I tell someone close to me that I feel alone they always say "why don't you call someone and talk about it" or "you have me! you can always talk to me!" and honestly..it's nice of them to suggest and say...but I fucking HATE when they say these things to me. Because it's such an obvious suggestion and yes I fucking know that you're here for me and it becomes about them. I get it. Fuck. I don't know why these things tick me off the way they do. I think it's because I just want them to say nothing at all. Just listen to me and let me feel this feeling until I beg for your advice. For once don't make it about you. Everyone does that! I try to talk to them when they tell me I can and then it becomes all about them. I'm just a selfish mess I suppose.

The most depressing and unhealthy of thoughts are going through my head right now and all I keep thinking on top of them is "then why are you writing all of this... for what..1 person to read?' I couldn't be more lost in what I need and want for myself right now. I want someone to lie with me and keep me warm. I want someone. I want someone that I can't have. I don't deserve to be alone but then again maybe I do. Maybe I'm such a self-loathing piece of shit that I need to be alone for a long time. But it is so hard. It is constantly a struggle thinking about all of the people close to me that have someone to go home to and talk to. I don't talk to people about what's going on with me. This is mostly because I don't ever realize that there is something wrong until it's too late.

Another issue that has been a constant in my life is that I feel as though I am not someone to be proud of. My older siblings are doing amazing things in their lives and my parents are constantly talking about them. My sister just bought a salon and is running it on her own, fabulously. She's getting married in September. She's healthy and skinny and gorgeous. She just moved into a really nice house and bought a car. My brother is a brilliant self-taught musician and actor. He's graduating from college next month, something that nobody in my family has ever done. And then there's me....the only one in the family that is doing nothing of worth or interest. Everyone is always asking me about my brother at school and how my sister is doing with the salon. Never am I asked how I am doing first, it's ALWAYS "how's the salon doing? I hear your sister is doing really well that's so great!" and "so your brother is graduating college soon! that's so wonderful!" or my favorite "so why did you drop out of school? you were so close to being done". FUCK OFF, ALL OF YOU FUCK OFF. Where the hell did I go in all of this? Why am I the last thing to come up when I'm the one you're having the conversation with. WHY?!?! You know why? Because my brother and sister actually have things going on in their lives that matter, I have nothing. I am slightly worthless as a topic of discussion. When my parents talk about me...all they have to say about me is "ya, she left college and is living on the island working at her sister's salon". When they talk about my brother it's "oh Jesse's doing so well, he made the Dean's list last semester and will be graduating! such a big deal! we are so proud of him". And when they talk about my sister  it's "she just moved into a beautiful house, they're getting married in September, the salon is doing really well salon salon salon salon salon salon proud proud proud proud". I feel like the fuck-up child. The one that needs to find herself and in the midst of doing so is completely forgotten about. So I become bitter and ill-behaved towards my parents. I'm brusk with them and I know they don't deserve it but I just feel as though I'm standing 5 feet away from them screaming at the top of my lungs and they refuse to hear me.

I feel bad because my sister is worried about me and is saying nice things to me to try to make me feel better. And I want so badly to feel better, but I can't. Even now I can't see my computer screen through the ocean of tears blocking my vision. She says I need to get it all out, but what happens once all of this is out of my head? It's not out of my head...that's what. I will sit here and try the things I know in order to attempt to fix myself. While it's raining outside I feel as if it's raining inside and I am nothing to be proud of. I had my glory moments in high school and these are the things that every person in my family clings to and reverts back to when I tell them I am feeling lousy. So what if I won some stupid award for a photograph I took in high school? Honestly...WHO CARES it was fucking 6 years ago. Clearly that's not me anymore. They all want me to go back into my photography as if it will solve all of the problems of the world. IT WON'T. I know you're trying to help but please stop going back to that as if it's the only thing you know about me. They all tell me to exercise cause it will make me feel better, when actually them telling me that makes me feel like a fucking whale. Thank you. I feel the only thing that I ever do to make anyone proud is one dance performance every summer. That's all they've got to say about me--that I dance every summer. In one show. Hooray.

It's my fault that my family and friends don't know the half of me that they should know. I keep more secrets from the people close to me than the government keeps from American citizens. I have this iron chest in my soul that's full of awful thoughts and memories that I will NEVER let out. Pandora's box I guess you could call it. There is a whole other person within me that nobody gets to see because they don't take me seriously. Letting people in is not my forte.

I have no idea what I need or want.
No idea.

Even posting this...now I suck.