New.

It's 2014 and naturally I think it's interesting to take a look back at the year I had.

Well....I had a successful work season and learned a lot.
My brother moved home and we've been spending a lot of time together.
Come to think of it my entire family has been spending more time together.
I learned how to drive standard AND bought a car!
I moved into a new apartment.
but most importantly I fell in love.

I find myself making decisions that when I was alone I would have never considered thinking about making yet. We are talking about buying a new bed, future vacations, getting another cat...there's so many good things that come with being with this person. The other parts...the parts that force me to really REALLY look into my insecurities and whatnot is the tough part.

I've noticed that I have become extremely sensitive, and I mean SENSITIVE to things that didn't bother me before. I am still trying to focus on the positive, which I think I have been doing a pretty good job at. The hard part is trying not to react or overreact to things that I have no control over. What he does is his business and his choice. I can't help that some of it effects me...of course it's going to effect me! But here is an example.

So after about 8 years of smoking a pack a day...he quit! He cut down and then just quit cold turkey pretty much. He has been doing so great and I couldn't be more proud of him! I know how difficult a thing it is, especially for someone that is constantly surrounded by people that smoke at work and whatnot. So he decided that when the time was right and he was comfortable to do so he would only have 1 or 2 when would go to the bar (drinking and smoking go so well together after all..) we talked about it and thought that was an ok plan. He's been fantastic! Not smoking any other time...and we never go out so he's only have like 5 in a month. Ok so the last 2 days we've had a snow storm and there's enough snow on the ground that he had to go out plowing early this morning. I thought that he had some breakfast...figured he wouldn't make a lunch cause he kind of never does. He calls me and tells me about his morning (where he's been plowing) and proceeds to say that he hasn't eaten anything today but HAS had cigarettes so...I can't help how I feel so I instantly get disappointed and kind of upset. I know it's not my place to tell him what to do or have any kind of intense emotion about something like this...but to me it's a bigger deal than most people would most likely consider it to be. I can't help how I feel and I feel upset. Is it a bit crazy and overbearing? Probably. But I love him and I want him to keep to and achieve his goals. He's been really proud of himself for doing so well and I know that this will bring him down.

I don't know...maybe I'm becoming one of those crazy ridiculous reactive girlfriends that bitches about everything. I've never done this before so I have no idea what the rules are. If anyone could let me know I would appreciate it. But considering I'm the only one who knows my blog exists...I'll have to figure it out.

Happy new year!

Holiday

Christmas time is a favorite time of year for a lot of people. There's something different about this holiday season in particular though. For many years my brother and sister have had a significant other...with whom they have joined my family for Christmas! It's been a wonderful thing but I find myself jealous...constantly jealous that they've had someone that knows them, loves them, cares for them in a very different way then family. I know that jealousy is foolish but I couldn't help how I felt. And now after all of these years of being lonely and thinking there was nobody out there for me...I have a person of my very own.

I finally have realized that all these years I have been getting in my own way. I've known him for years and never considered giving him a real chance because I was SO terrified of the thought. I've somehow convinced myself that I didn't deserve the good things most of my friends have. I would do things to purposely distance myself and eventually it paid of because him and I stopped speaking all together.

But something happened and here we are...together.

So this Christmas it's my turn to add someone to the family traditions. It feels great and I didn't know I would ever be this happy or feel this loved.

It's true, what they say...

I really never thought my life would be like this. Not anytime soon anyway. I didn't know there was anyone on this island that could be my person. Someone that could and would be there for me no matter what. All the cheesy hallmark things you can possibly think of that would be said in a Valentine's Day card...those things I finally understand. Most of my teenage/adult life I have had a very specific list of what the person I fall in love with to be like. Over the years this list has become more of a daydream than anything. Sometimes I'd think of things or meet a new friend and write down a quality of theirs I really liked. Most of the things on this list are pretty standard by any one's means but here ya go...

-good work ethic
-honest
-genuinely caring
-hilarious
-my family HAS to love them
-my friends have to like them
-not constantly negative (like me)
-good attitude
-sees the good in themselves
-maybe a little shy


there's more to it but you get the general idea. I don't want an asshole is basically what I'm going for. Other important things that I never even thought about until my person came along was a list of it's own. I have a lot of deep anxieties about a lot of very specific things, I'm controlling and picky...I need things done a certain way..the list goes on and on. He has helped me realize all of these things and that it's ok for me to RELAX sometimes. to not care so intensely about things that don't need attention right away or too urgently.

There's a million things I could say about this person and I most likely will in the future. He's making me see things in a new way and that is something I have always wanted. I do my best to give him all of the love and support he deserves. I have never in my life been this happy and I know it's because of how I feel when I'm with him. My family adores him, my friends are obsessed...it's a perfect fit. I am grateful everyday to have life and all of things that come with it...and now he is one of those things.

I am done looking. He finally found me. And I am so in love.

Thinking. Trying.

Sometimes I take a step back and look at all the choices I have made in my adult life ("adult life"). There are plenty of things holding me back from feeling like an adult, I suppose that's a natural feeling considering I'm only 22. In certain areas of my life I feel older than my age but in other areas I am more than aware of my naive decisions and mistakes. It's hard to keep going after certain betrayals and things have happened...it's definitely a struggle sometimes. I feel like I am still fighting with myself constantly for not asking for help from friends when I need it. There are times when I can get out of my own way and call up my closest and talk things over but it takes a lot to get me to that point. I feel as though when people say "I am here for you" they don't always mean it. It's mostly just a generic thing people say to cover their ground and attempt to make you feel better in that moment. I don't know if it's that I just don't trust anyone with my super duper secrets or if I just don't trust people in general. Having more faith in my friends is another thing that has been difficult, although I'm not completely sure why. Maybe it's because we are all changing and moving in different directions or maybe it's because I'm staying the same. I'm constantly running myself around in circles asking the same question but never going outside to find the answers. I literally am my own worst enemy, always have been and most likely always will be. I never want sympathy or pity...all I want is to learn from my fucking mistakes. For some reason it is the hardest thing in the world for me to learn. I guess the main reason I don't open up to people is because the advice I always get is so mainstream, lame, plastic, expected and obvious that it almost offends me. How hard is it to try a little are to be a bit more genuine than telling someone that's having a hard time that they should see a therapist...um....fuck off? That is the worst version of "trying to help". The reason I get so upset about that is because the people that I'm friends (not all of them) should be listening when I tell them important things about myself, right? For example: when I say that I have been to therapists and that it is NOT FOR ME. I supposed that isn't such a big deal but for some reason it really strikes my last nerve.

Maybe I'm rambling now but it is what it is.
I just want to be alright, stress free and happy.

Time.

Something I am clearly not grasping is how quickly things can change. Several days ago I was losing my mind over not having a job and not having a future plan. I'm not big on plans but right now some kind of menu for my life seems appropriate, maybe it's just because all of my friends are gone and I need to echo what they're doing (according to everyone on this island that's my parents age). But within the time span of one day my brother came through and hooked me up with a landscaping gig. It changed my entire demeanor. I'm super happy that I get to be outside and that I know what I'm doing for once. It's a great feeling and I can only hope that this job holds through and things stay good for as long as long can be.

My body aches and I'm way out of the game but it's nice to be back in after 6 years or so. I love hard work and hard work outside is such a bonus. So as a celebration of whatever feeling this is, I am going out for a single well-deserved beer with Ali. And even though I have spent majority of my day thinking about someone whom I miss dearly...things seem alright. He makes me happy even just thinking about him.

Wow I'm a nerd.

Awesome.

Trying.

I want to fucking kill someone. Every emotion I just got the nerve to write about was deleted. FUCK. So how about I just make a list of all the things that currently suck in my life.

1. I'm dead broke.
2. I am officially unemployed.
3. There is nobody left on this island for the season.
4. It's getting dark way too early.
5. My happy thought moved across the country.

I'm really not one to complain but sometimes I just feel it's necessary to venting. I've been in a funk lately because I've been trying like to hell to find work and there's just nothing here. And I've had the conversation with the handful of people that are left on this stupid little island that I tend to hate so much from November until just before Christmas. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying like hell but it's just difficult right now. And the next person to tell me that I should go back to school or tell me something I've heard a million times already...will not be hearing from me for a long time. Guh I don't know what to do. I feel like I have all of these ideas about how I could be spending my time that's healthy and productive...But at the same time I'm fuckin lost. Maybe making a list of the positive will help.

1. I'm alive.
2. I'm healthy.
3. I have a place to live.
4. I have a family.
5. I have health insurance.
6. I live in a  beautiful place.
7. I have a happy thought, and he is beautiful.

The holidays make things a bit happier for a while. I think things will turn around for me eventually, until then I'm trying to find a way to make them turn around.

Feelers.

When you stop looking it will find you.

The amount of times I have had people say this to me is astonishing...the amount of times I've believed them...basically never. I am almost too content and happy to know what to write but I figure it's good to write something out...just for good measure.

Happiness kinda fuckin rocks.