He.

He is grateful.

He changes me.

He nurtures me.

He loves our cats.

He is what I need.

He shows me love. 

He appreciates me.

He brings me back. 

He calms me down. 

He takes care of me.

He loves my family.

He doesn't judge me. 

He creates happiness.

He helps me through.

He knows what I need.

He knows what I want.

He doesn't make me sad. 

He wants us to be happy.

He keeps me on my toes.

He takes care of our cats.

He placates my anxieties.

He gives me what I need.

He knows what he wants.

He wants us to be healthy. 

He wants to better himself.

He doesn't care how I look. 

He makes life worth living.

He shows me who I can be.

He makes me feel amazing. 

He shows me who I can be.

He makes me feel attractive. 

He helps me be a better person.

He wants to spend time with me. 

He knows me better than anyone.

He is enthusiastic about the future. 

He makes me feel like I'm worth it. 

He makes all the bad days not so bad. 

He wants to spend time with my family. 

He loves me. 

Winter.

Living where I live is a special thing. 

The winter is especially difficult here for most people on the island. There is not much to do to begin with but when the winter comes the entire island almost shuts down completely. We sustain from the summer folks that spend their big money here in the on season. The winter comes with a lot of feelings...isolation, loneliness, and just general depression.

Until last year I was unable to look at myself in a blunt and honest way. I always thought I had my life under control but it wasn't until I was in the middle of my current relationship that I REALLY put the work in to look into who I am. The man who chose me is someone that I never expected would ever give me a second chance. He has helped me uncover all of the painful memories that I have tried so hard to bury. I've been successful for almost ten years in locking theses horrible experiences away. Fortunately I am an EXTREMELY honest person, I am finally able to be honest with myself and the people I love about the things that have happened to me. 

Last winter was the second hardest winter of my entire life. I never thought it would be difficult to be in love but it is. I missed him every single day. I couldn't help how intensely I felt love for him. I tested him with everything there possibly was to bring up. We fought about my promiscuous past, my decisions that I have always regretted even though I try not to believe in regret. Anything that isn't productive to the future..I try not to take part in. This entire relationship has been a test and I am more than happy to go through it with guns blazing. We have been through some of the most difficult topics a couple can discuss. I am grateful that he has been so open to change, open to understanding and open to being a better man for me. I mirror all of these same things for him, so when people say that their other half has made them a better person... I completely understand that sentiment. He is truly the only person for me. I have gone through my young years choosing men that were less than suitable for any woman. 99% of them used me to make themselves feel better. Some of them hurt me emotionally...physically...and spiritually. I was so convinced that there was nobody out there for me. There wasn't a single soul that I deserved, I was not built to be treated well. All of this nonesense was the blanket of "security" that I surrounded myself with so that I could justify my behavior. I fed into the idea of being weak while playing the part of the tough chick. I openly made fun of my deepest issues in front of all my friends. They considered it funny so I just kept on with it--why not right? Why not be the life of the party at your own expense? It wasn't until I would go home and sober up that I would realize just how much I really hated myself. I was TOO good at hiding it, TOO good at covering everything up.

Now that I am in my first and final serious relationship I have realized so much.
1. I am completely worth it.
2. I am not gross, ugly, or broken (no matter how many times I say I am)
3. I deserve the love I am given
4. I deserve to be protected and safe.
5. It is ok to feel vulnerable and to cry.
6. It's important to compromise.
7. Being accepting of the learning process is most important.
8. Trusting a man is difficult but doable because he is everything to me.
9. He will never hurt me.
10. I can't hate myself anymore.

The last one I have been struggling with my entire life. Whenever I have attempting to talk about it with anyone they tell me I should go talk to a therapist. If I hear that suggestion one more time I will snap. If that is what I wanted to do--that is what I would do. When a person says "you can always talk to me about anything, I'm here for you" I figure that doesn't mean you are going to give me advise to talk to someone else. It just doesn't make any sense.

I am learning new things every single day. I have lost friends because I finally realized they were not being a friend at all. I have grown so much closer to one of my best friends, we have connected on a level that a lot of women do. She is another love of my life and without her I felt lost and confused. She has overcome the things that I am still working to overcome and I look up to her for getting through it with grace and understanding.

I need to be grateful for the things that I have.

I need to make my own decisions in my life.

I need to be tested.

I need to understand who I am.

I am ready for everything that is going to happen to me, even though I don't know what those things are.

I am alive, healthy and in love.

These are the things that keep me grounded.

Compromise.

What do you do when you have found the love of your life?
What's the next step?

There's the typical line-up of things that people "normally" do:
-fall in love
-move in together
-get a pet together
-get married
-have a baby

...now...I have got the first 2 down (the third thing is in the works!)

Up until this relationship I never believed in the institution of marriage and I still struggle with it. But it's something that he really wants and I am willing to give him what he wants if it makes him happy. Luckily neither one of us wants children (you can imagine my excitement when we had that conversation).

So with all of that aside...what about all of the things in between the steps of a relationship? What about all of the things you have to work through? I guess I wasn't prepared for HOW much I would have to look into myself and who I used to be. I assumed my past would come into play but I never thought it would be a defining factor in how he feels about me within a certain light. I have a lengthy past full of loneliness, sadness and self destruction...just as most people do. It's been difficult working through certain things but we always get through it and for that I am grateful.

Without getting into too much detail, there is a specific thing about my past that was very difficult for me to overcome on my own. I have never shared my life with another person, this is my first (and my only) relationship. I want it to work, I want it to thrive and stay beautiful and healthy and full of love and understanding. The argument we have is always the same and because it's specifically about ME and something that I have done...I get a little defensive...ok a lot defensive (good english!). I feel so much love for this person and I use that as a reminder of where he is coming from with his concerns and feelings. I have to learn that it's not just me anymore, next to my family and our cat...he is the most important thing in my life and I would fall apart if I lost him. It's easy to lose sight of these things during a heated moment or discussion. I find it most important to keep the positive things in plain site because "out of site-out of mind" works with just about everything, even the good things.

I have never felt this way about anyone, I constantly feel like my life is a movie. Hearing things like "you are the best thing that has ever happened to me" and "I can't live without you" is unreal. He tells me all the time how he feels about me and I have never trusted anyone more with their words. I trust him with my life and I know he feels the same. I am growing so much as a person and we are planning for the future and trying our best to be smart with our money and our energy so we can have a fulfilling and comfortable life together. I believe we will have the things we want and need.

I am grateful everyday that I have him. I am so lucky.

New.

It's 2014 and naturally I think it's interesting to take a look back at the year I had.

Well....I had a successful work season and learned a lot.
My brother moved home and we've been spending a lot of time together.
Come to think of it my entire family has been spending more time together.
I learned how to drive standard AND bought a car!
I moved into a new apartment.
but most importantly I fell in love.

I find myself making decisions that when I was alone I would have never considered thinking about making yet. We are talking about buying a new bed, future vacations, getting another cat...there's so many good things that come with being with this person. The other parts...the parts that force me to really REALLY look into my insecurities and whatnot is the tough part.

I've noticed that I have become extremely sensitive, and I mean SENSITIVE to things that didn't bother me before. I am still trying to focus on the positive, which I think I have been doing a pretty good job at. The hard part is trying not to react or overreact to things that I have no control over. What he does is his business and his choice. I can't help that some of it effects me...of course it's going to effect me! But here is an example.

So after about 8 years of smoking a pack a day...he quit! He cut down and then just quit cold turkey pretty much. He has been doing so great and I couldn't be more proud of him! I know how difficult a thing it is, especially for someone that is constantly surrounded by people that smoke at work and whatnot. So he decided that when the time was right and he was comfortable to do so he would only have 1 or 2 when would go to the bar (drinking and smoking go so well together after all..) we talked about it and thought that was an ok plan. He's been fantastic! Not smoking any other time...and we never go out so he's only have like 5 in a month. Ok so the last 2 days we've had a snow storm and there's enough snow on the ground that he had to go out plowing early this morning. I thought that he had some breakfast...figured he wouldn't make a lunch cause he kind of never does. He calls me and tells me about his morning (where he's been plowing) and proceeds to say that he hasn't eaten anything today but HAS had cigarettes so...I can't help how I feel so I instantly get disappointed and kind of upset. I know it's not my place to tell him what to do or have any kind of intense emotion about something like this...but to me it's a bigger deal than most people would most likely consider it to be. I can't help how I feel and I feel upset. Is it a bit crazy and overbearing? Probably. But I love him and I want him to keep to and achieve his goals. He's been really proud of himself for doing so well and I know that this will bring him down.

I don't know...maybe I'm becoming one of those crazy ridiculous reactive girlfriends that bitches about everything. I've never done this before so I have no idea what the rules are. If anyone could let me know I would appreciate it. But considering I'm the only one who knows my blog exists...I'll have to figure it out.

Happy new year!

Holiday

Christmas time is a favorite time of year for a lot of people. There's something different about this holiday season in particular though. For many years my brother and sister have had a significant other...with whom they have joined my family for Christmas! It's been a wonderful thing but I find myself jealous...constantly jealous that they've had someone that knows them, loves them, cares for them in a very different way then family. I know that jealousy is foolish but I couldn't help how I felt. And now after all of these years of being lonely and thinking there was nobody out there for me...I have a person of my very own.

I finally have realized that all these years I have been getting in my own way. I've known him for years and never considered giving him a real chance because I was SO terrified of the thought. I've somehow convinced myself that I didn't deserve the good things most of my friends have. I would do things to purposely distance myself and eventually it paid of because him and I stopped speaking all together.

But something happened and here we are...together.

So this Christmas it's my turn to add someone to the family traditions. It feels great and I didn't know I would ever be this happy or feel this loved.

It's true, what they say...

I really never thought my life would be like this. Not anytime soon anyway. I didn't know there was anyone on this island that could be my person. Someone that could and would be there for me no matter what. All the cheesy hallmark things you can possibly think of that would be said in a Valentine's Day card...those things I finally understand. Most of my teenage/adult life I have had a very specific list of what the person I fall in love with to be like. Over the years this list has become more of a daydream than anything. Sometimes I'd think of things or meet a new friend and write down a quality of theirs I really liked. Most of the things on this list are pretty standard by any one's means but here ya go...

-good work ethic
-honest
-genuinely caring
-hilarious
-my family HAS to love them
-my friends have to like them
-not constantly negative (like me)
-good attitude
-sees the good in themselves
-maybe a little shy


there's more to it but you get the general idea. I don't want an asshole is basically what I'm going for. Other important things that I never even thought about until my person came along was a list of it's own. I have a lot of deep anxieties about a lot of very specific things, I'm controlling and picky...I need things done a certain way..the list goes on and on. He has helped me realize all of these things and that it's ok for me to RELAX sometimes. to not care so intensely about things that don't need attention right away or too urgently.

There's a million things I could say about this person and I most likely will in the future. He's making me see things in a new way and that is something I have always wanted. I do my best to give him all of the love and support he deserves. I have never in my life been this happy and I know it's because of how I feel when I'm with him. My family adores him, my friends are obsessed...it's a perfect fit. I am grateful everyday to have life and all of things that come with it...and now he is one of those things.

I am done looking. He finally found me. And I am so in love.

Thinking. Trying.

Sometimes I take a step back and look at all the choices I have made in my adult life ("adult life"). There are plenty of things holding me back from feeling like an adult, I suppose that's a natural feeling considering I'm only 22. In certain areas of my life I feel older than my age but in other areas I am more than aware of my naive decisions and mistakes. It's hard to keep going after certain betrayals and things have happened...it's definitely a struggle sometimes. I feel like I am still fighting with myself constantly for not asking for help from friends when I need it. There are times when I can get out of my own way and call up my closest and talk things over but it takes a lot to get me to that point. I feel as though when people say "I am here for you" they don't always mean it. It's mostly just a generic thing people say to cover their ground and attempt to make you feel better in that moment. I don't know if it's that I just don't trust anyone with my super duper secrets or if I just don't trust people in general. Having more faith in my friends is another thing that has been difficult, although I'm not completely sure why. Maybe it's because we are all changing and moving in different directions or maybe it's because I'm staying the same. I'm constantly running myself around in circles asking the same question but never going outside to find the answers. I literally am my own worst enemy, always have been and most likely always will be. I never want sympathy or pity...all I want is to learn from my fucking mistakes. For some reason it is the hardest thing in the world for me to learn. I guess the main reason I don't open up to people is because the advice I always get is so mainstream, lame, plastic, expected and obvious that it almost offends me. How hard is it to try a little are to be a bit more genuine than telling someone that's having a hard time that they should see a therapist...um....fuck off? That is the worst version of "trying to help". The reason I get so upset about that is because the people that I'm friends (not all of them) should be listening when I tell them important things about myself, right? For example: when I say that I have been to therapists and that it is NOT FOR ME. I supposed that isn't such a big deal but for some reason it really strikes my last nerve.

Maybe I'm rambling now but it is what it is.
I just want to be alright, stress free and happy.