Living where I live is a special thing.
The winter is especially difficult here for most people on the island. There is not much to do to begin with but when the winter comes the entire island almost shuts down completely. We sustain from the summer folks that spend their big money here in the on season. The winter comes with a lot of feelings...isolation, loneliness, and just general depression.
Until last year I was unable to look at myself in a blunt and honest way. I always thought I had my life under control but it wasn't until I was in the middle of my current relationship that I REALLY put the work in to look into who I am. The man who chose me is someone that I never expected would ever give me a second chance. He has helped me uncover all of the painful memories that I have tried so hard to bury. I've been successful for almost ten years in locking theses horrible experiences away. Fortunately I am an EXTREMELY honest person, I am finally able to be honest with myself and the people I love about the things that have happened to me.
Last winter was the second hardest winter of my entire life. I never thought it would be difficult to be in love but it is. I missed him every single day. I couldn't help how intensely I felt love for him. I tested him with everything there possibly was to bring up. We fought about my promiscuous past, my decisions that I have always regretted even though I try not to believe in regret. Anything that isn't productive to the future..I try not to take part in. This entire relationship has been a test and I am more than happy to go through it with guns blazing. We have been through some of the most difficult topics a couple can discuss. I am grateful that he has been so open to change, open to understanding and open to being a better man for me. I mirror all of these same things for him, so when people say that their other half has made them a better person... I completely understand that sentiment. He is truly the only person for me. I have gone through my young years choosing men that were less than suitable for any woman. 99% of them used me to make themselves feel better. Some of them hurt me emotionally...physically...and spiritually. I was so convinced that there was nobody out there for me. There wasn't a single soul that I deserved, I was not built to be treated well. All of this nonesense was the blanket of "security" that I surrounded myself with so that I could justify my behavior. I fed into the idea of being weak while playing the part of the tough chick. I openly made fun of my deepest issues in front of all my friends. They considered it funny so I just kept on with it--why not right? Why not be the life of the party at your own expense? It wasn't until I would go home and sober up that I would realize just how much I really hated myself. I was TOO good at hiding it, TOO good at covering everything up.
Now that I am in my first and final serious relationship I have realized so much.
1. I am completely worth it.
2. I am not gross, ugly, or broken (no matter how many times I say I am)
3. I deserve the love I am given
4. I deserve to be protected and safe.
5. It is ok to feel vulnerable and to cry.
6. It's important to compromise.
7. Being accepting of the learning process is most important.
8. Trusting a man is difficult but doable because he is everything to me.
9. He will never hurt me.
10. I can't hate myself anymore.
The last one I have been struggling with my entire life. Whenever I have attempting to talk about it with anyone they tell me I should go talk to a therapist. If I hear that suggestion one more time I will snap. If that is what I wanted to do--that is what I would do. When a person says "you can always talk to me about anything, I'm here for you" I figure that doesn't mean you are going to give me advise to talk to someone else. It just doesn't make any sense.
I am learning new things every single day. I have lost friends because I finally realized they were not being a friend at all. I have grown so much closer to one of my best friends, we have connected on a level that a lot of women do. She is another love of my life and without her I felt lost and confused. She has overcome the things that I am still working to overcome and I look up to her for getting through it with grace and understanding.
I need to be grateful for the things that I have.
I need to make my own decisions in my life.
I need to be tested.
I need to understand who I am.
I am ready for everything that is going to happen to me, even though I don't know what those things are.
I am alive, healthy and in love.
These are the things that keep me grounded.
