Sometimes I take a step back and look at all the choices I have made in my adult life ("adult life"). There are plenty of things holding me back from feeling like an adult, I suppose that's a natural feeling considering I'm only 22. In certain areas of my life I feel older than my age but in other areas I am more than aware of my naive decisions and mistakes. It's hard to keep going after certain betrayals and things have happened...it's definitely a struggle sometimes. I feel like I am still fighting with myself constantly for not asking for help from friends when I need it. There are times when I can get out of my own way and call up my closest and talk things over but it takes a lot to get me to that point. I feel as though when people say "I am here for you" they don't always mean it. It's mostly just a generic thing people say to cover their ground and attempt to make you feel better in that moment. I don't know if it's that I just don't trust anyone with my super duper secrets or if I just don't trust people in general. Having more faith in my friends is another thing that has been difficult, although I'm not completely sure why. Maybe it's because we are all changing and moving in different directions or maybe it's because I'm staying the same. I'm constantly running myself around in circles asking the same question but never going outside to find the answers. I literally am my own worst enemy, always have been and most likely always will be. I never want sympathy or pity...all I want is to learn from my fucking mistakes. For some reason it is the hardest thing in the world for me to learn. I guess the main reason I don't open up to people is because the advice I always get is so mainstream, lame, plastic, expected and obvious that it almost offends me. How hard is it to try a little are to be a bit more genuine than telling someone that's having a hard time that they should see a therapist...um....fuck off? That is the worst version of "trying to help". The reason I get so upset about that is because the people that I'm friends (not all of them) should be listening when I tell them important things about myself, right? For example: when I say that I have been to therapists and that it is NOT FOR ME. I supposed that isn't such a big deal but for some reason it really strikes my last nerve.
Maybe I'm rambling now but it is what it is.
I just want to be alright, stress free and happy.
